Can Boys Play With "Girl" Toys?

Snuggling my 5-month-old niece at our family Thanksgiving celebration, I smiled as my two-year-old male cousin wandered toward the kitchen set and started to play. His grandfather said, "Don't get used to that, your dad won't want you to play with it." Wait. What?


I made a gentle comment about how our 8-year-old son asked for a doll when he was two and Santa brought it to him. My son rarely gets "Baby Alex" out of his toy cubbies any more, but for several years, he played with Baby Alex, holding him, feeding him, dressing him, taking him places – in JUST the same way he had observed his own father caring for him. I mentioned this to the boy's grandfather explaining that our son was merely emulating how his dad changed his diaper, snuggled him and participated in his daily activities.


I understand that my uncle (the tyke's grandpa) is very traditional, but the world has changed and BOTH parents are often actively involved in the daily routines of their children. Yet, even among my peers there are dads who won't let their boys have "girl" toys – or even cringe if they see their sons playing with such toys at preschool or with friends. The NAEYC even 


Past Meets Present
Was I worried that playing with a doll occasionally would create gender identity issues for my son? Absolutely not! My son also played with trucks, he climbed all over the furniture fearlessly and enjoyed a variety of traditional "boy" playthings. He is a boy – but he's a boy who may become a dad someday. Should we have taught him that caring for a child (in this case, a doll) isn't appropriate or acceptable? No way!


Fast forward to my son today. He climbs trees, goes to campouts with friends, loves Batman and Indiana Jones, plays spy, is a Boy Scout, and runs around with pretend weapons whenever he can. (We never wanted our child to play with weapons, yet we quickly discovered that a boy somehow intuitively creates weapons out of everything from LEGOs to grilled cheese sandwiches. But I digress – boys and toy weapons is a whole other post.)

My son is a BOY. He plays hard and he plays rough. But he is also kind and gentle. I loved watching him in church a few days ago as he smiled and waved at the bored toddler in front of us. After church, he asked if he could talk to the little guy – my son's eyes were soft and kind as he talked to the child and gently patted his hand. My son is going to be an awesome dad someday – and perhaps some of those parenting skills began with a Christmas gift known as Baby Alex.

Working Hand-in-Hand: Home and School

As I contrast my childhood education with that of my two children (ages eight and eleven), I am constantly reminded at the difference in the expectations of today's students – and their parents.

We have always been actively involved with our children, reading to them from the time they were born, stocking the house with kid-friendly books, taking them to museums, doing craft projects and getting them involved with music from the time they were little (starting with KinderMusik programs). Now they're getting older and the homework expectations are much greater – in both quantity and quality.

Our fifth-grade daughter is doing algebra while our third-grade son is doing geometry. Both children completed a leaf project in third grade – something I did as a seventh grade student. Granted, they weren't expected to go into as much depth with research as I did, but still, it's a "big kid" project. Our daughter is doing monthly oral book reports of various genres including her most recent one based on a piece of historical fiction – in reality, these book reports are speeches comparable to what I was doing in junior high or beyond. Of course, they're both already learning to type, something I took as a high-school elective when my grandfather encouraged me to prepare to "be a secretary".

When I read several articles in the last few days about a report from the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (O.E.C.D) which conducts exams for the Program for International Student Assessment (PISA), I was again reminded how important parental involvement is. However, I am not a "helicopter parent" who hovers over every last spelling word and math problem. Of course, I'll help my children with specific subject matter and help them study for tests, but my husband and I strongly believe that our kids need to stand on their own two feet and take responsibility for a certain amount of their academics and extracurricular activities. Our children aren't overly involved in school activities (their choice), but they each have piano lessons, Scouts and our oldest is also in the band.

We certainly hope we are providing them with the foundation they need for future success. The study identified three key findings in regard to the outcomes based on parental involvement.

1.             Fifteen-year-old students whose parents often read books with them during their first year of primary school show markedly higher scores in PISA than students whose parents read with them infrequently or not at all.

2.             The performance advantage among students whose parents read to them in their early school years is evident regardless of the family’s socioeconomic background. 

3.             Parents’ engagement with their 15-year-olds is strongly associated with better performance in PISA.

So, how do we find the balance between providing the support our children need without preventing them from taking responsibility and growing into self-sufficient adults? I don't have the answer – we keep moving forward and adapting as our children change and grow. The report, as expressed by Thomas Friedman in the New York Times Opinion Pages, shares what makes a difference.

The study, called “Back to School: How parent involvement affects student achievement,” found something “somewhat surprising,” wrote Barth: “Parent involvement can take many forms, but only a few of them relate to higher student performance. Of those that work, parental actions that support children’s learning at home are most likely to have an impact on academic achievement at school.

“Monitoring homework; making sure children get to school; rewarding their efforts and talking up the idea of going to college. These parent actions are linked to better attendance, grades, test scores, and preparation for college,” Barth wrote. “The study found that getting parents involved with their children’s learning at home is a more powerful driver of achievement than parents attending P.T.A. and school board meetings, volunteering in classrooms, participating in fund-raising, and showing up at back-to-school nights.”

Let's all keep doing our best, knowing that the benefactors are our children.

The Squeaky Wheel ... No Longer Gets MY Grease

Watching the news tonight, they previewed “Gabby”, the book about Gabrielle Giffords’ recovery from a tragic shooting. Earlier in the broadcast they talked about the Joe Paterno scandal. Resilience of the human spirit is often overshadowed by drama and poor choices, but I choose to focus on stories like Gabby Giffords and her intern Daniel Hernandez who stay by her side in her time of need. I will root for true winners like J.R. Martinez who sustained severe burns while serving in the Army – and who continues to serve and inspire others.

I choose to think about my neighbor in the Reserves who is about to be deployed. I pray for the young women I know who have escaped from an abusive relationship – and those who were unable to escape or still want to. Instead of remembering the long lines we stood in for TSA security at the airport, I will remember the applause we heard walking toward our gate as we saw a soldier returning home. I will not glorify celebrity marriages lasting only 72 days. I will, however, recognize those who quietly show their commitment everyday – as parents, spouses, teachers, pastors and friends.